Those words, from my dad, keep replaying and rewinding in my mind. Everytime I try to help my parents look at a situation in a more positive outlook--they yell at me or tell me to get real. I don't mean to make things look sweeter than what they really are. I just try to help others see the light in between the shadows. I mean, I know it doesn't work with me when my close friends and fiancee try to do that with me, but in the end I shout at myself to look for the light at the end of the tunnel and remember the promise I made when I was tweleve.
I'm somewhat scared to post these happenings on my blog, since I'm not sure how the out come would be, but seeing how I am. I'll risk it just because I need to rant or I'll find myself crying all over again.
When I was tweleve, or rather during sixth grade, I didn't notice the reason of my parents fought all the time. The reason being: My dad loves money (but doesn't want to work.) and my mom loves her family (and doesn't mind the work, because she is a hard-worker.)
Well, my dad left his job for a possible number of reasons, which is the real one--I'll figure it out. My mom tried to move forward--I remember her getting involved with baking classes and floral designing classes. She got me into an art class that I looked forward, even though I complained that I didn't want to go. xD
Over time, we had to move out of the apartment one summer and I thought we were moving somewhere else. I got to visit mt relatives in Cali with my sister. During this time, my dad had left for New Jersey and found himself another job.
Once 9/11 happened, we went back to Florida. When I got back, I realized I didn't really have any friends, since everyone thought I was weird and made fun of me. I ended up living in a motel with my mom and sister after finding out my dad was involved with another woman. This woman sent threating phone calls and even called the police on my mom. I remember confronting that woman and insulting her. She cried, my dad got angry and slapped me. He practically broke my glasses that day. I forgave him, though.
At some point, my sister and I never talked with our dad again. Until one day my mom and my sister confronted him out of the blue--this being over six months. We moved to New Jersey and tried to restart anew.
After living here, in the New Jersey for seven to eight years, I've seen a lot of things. I've met people and most I haven't seen after my first year of college. Anyway, this year, my dad was late on the rent and the landlord decides to evict him. After my dad had asked him if he could give him more time and agreed to pay the late fee.
Thus, I find myself now sleeping in a van with my mom, my sister staying at a friend's house as we look for a new place to live, trying to get help from the Department of Temporary Assistance, and trying to keep sane while looking for a job.
Today, I forgot I was supposed to pick up my sister after taking a shower at the college locker rooms. My dad claims she was complaining and called me a liar. (My dad has been twisiting people's words ever since this problem happened. Me, totally forgetting this.) On the way to get my sister, I thought, "Oh I can try and get an application from this place since I wont be passing by it until tomorrow."
My dad decided to schedule an appointment with a woman who is involved with Housing the same day. I tell him that if it bothers him so much to go today, then schedule it next week. He starts spewing crap and says he should just see the woman in January. After getting my sister, both she and my dad start to say that I'm turning out to like mom. Honestly, I believe I'm both my parents, unforunately. I can see it every time I look at my eyes in the mirror. That's the side of me that I dislike the most.
I guess at the this point, I get furious and forget about everything. I find myself getting upset and walking to the local library. During the walk, my dad tells me to get in the car and he's wasting his time. He repeats it and keeps following me after a good twenty minutes.
All that is running in my head is the things he said to me out of spite and the fact that I'm a waste of time. So, I wonder if he ever wanted me in the first place. Or rather a family. Heck, I'm only twenty and I'm already tired of just breathing and in fact, it's due to the stress. (I guess I'm going to end up spilling the jar of beans here, aren't I?) My fear--actually my obstacle is I want to better than what people claim that I am. Not out of competition nor out of perfection, but because I need to try and prove to myself that I am better than a piece of crap on the sidewalk.
I have, in fact, hit depression harder than I have ever hit the point before. Sometimes, I can't remember how good food tastes, unless it's something I'm tasting for the first time. Other times, I can't seem to care if I look nice or not, but I force myself to do so because I deserve to spoil myself in some way.
Anyway, I hope I didn't make anyone cry over my happenings in life at the moment. I should go since the library is closing. I'll edit later when I get the chance. Take care. ^^