Realm of Chaos

Summer's Scent

Replaying the memories of past summers
The golden days and the rainy days

I find myself drowning in this
Bitter sweet nostalgia

I'll hang the sun over
To illuminate the thoughts in my head

Replaying the treasures of lost seas
The good times and bad times

I find myself drowning in this

Mercury in Retrograde

When Mercury is in retrograde, it is known as a time where all things of communication (from computers, phones, credit cards, to ATMs, etc) fail. Especially, the important information that needs to get through to the other side never manages to get there. I, as a human, have lost patience with people who can't seem to get it through their heads that things such as being homeless is not something you should take your time with. I understand many social workers have more than one case, but I strongly doubt that it takes over eight months to help a family get a home.

I know many choose to be homeless, but many others prefer to have a house or a place to live where they wouldn't be bothered or told to move.

The amount of irritation that I have at this moment, I believe I could just spit it out at just anyone. Although who really does deserve a slap in the face are people who fail to understand a serious situation.

I'm tired of living in a car with my mom and sister. I went through the winter with it and I refuse to go through it during the summer. I refuse to spend more money than I should on food that just isn't health at for my family or for me. I understand one mustn't give up and let all the weigh come tumbling down, but I believe I finally understand what exactly my mom meant about just giving up and throwing in the towel.

As heavy as this weight is, I'll try to keep my head up.
Regardless of how I'm feeling at this blasted moment.

Time, the Missing Lion and Neptune's Sea of Dreams

Although time plays both sides of the coin, I wish it was manipulative during certain places in my life, but then why regret the outcomes of what have already been performed? Shouldn't one be, at the very least, grateful? Or rather accept the finale?

I believe I've gone through enough to understand that life is no joke. Yet, my reckless side continues to revamp itself and continues to find it's way to dominate. I guess you can call that my Leo. Well, Leo tendencies. They seem to creep to the surface and pour themselves into the water like oil.

My current life, my life. Right now, it isn't super fantastic like my other classmates or friends, I'm not dead like the couple of my graduating classmates from high school are. Right now, I'm living a harsher moment than I could have imagined. Nothing too serious—well, it is, but not a life-or-death situation is what I mean.

Sometimes I wonder, "Am I grateful? Shouldn't I be? Heck look at all the events that piled over under three months, even less." Yet, here I am. Sitting in my parents' car. My father missing (more like ran off to Florida, but from what I tell in his voice, he'll return.), my mom about to give up everything due to stress, my sister paying more attention to her friends to bother with her current home-life, and as for me, I still wonder as I sit in my parents' car.

Still wonder why I can't be as I was before. The time where I believed in change and the best will come? Where is that 'courage' that Leo is gifted with? Have I forgotten what a lion does when things go wrong? Doesn't the lion roar in the face of danger and cowards who claim to be what they aren't? Where is this courageous Leo personality? Where is the courage that exists within my name?

Everything feels like a dream. I'll blame Neptune's sea, filled with nonsense and dreams that cease to rise like the waves I saw at the beach this weekend. I want to believe in reality, again. Believe in humans, but we are only selfish creatures who love to spend money on materialistic nonsense. Driving hummers and bmws only to show off the idea that they could be rich with stuffed bank accounts. People who only purchase high priced coffee and decorate themselves with bright colors and branded name clothing.

I want my mane, my gloves made of the strongest shells, and the weapon to help me breathe and say, "I will."

Swollen Heart

Things happen at random, I guess one can say.
Strange and unreasonable things happening in the one's surrounding.
I guess, you can call that reality.

I've lost a lot of things in this path.
I'm not too sure when I'll be able to say I'm not demented.
Things and people can quite harsh.
They cause you to bend, twist, and crack.

I've lost a lot of reasons during this cycle.
I can't seem to remember how I used to me.
Nor recall what I am. Who I am. Why I am.
I call it amnesia.

Things happen for unseen plans, I guess we can say.
Never understood.
I guess, we can say it's life.

"Waste of My Time."

Those words, from my dad, keep replaying and rewinding in my mind. Everytime I try to help my parents look at a situation in a more positive outlook--they yell at me or tell me to get real. I don't mean to make things look sweeter than what they really are. I just try to help others see the light in between the shadows. I mean, I know it doesn't work with me when my close friends and fiancee try to do that with me, but in the end I shout at myself to look for the light at the end of the tunnel and remember the promise I made when I was tweleve.

I'm somewhat scared to post these happenings on my blog, since I'm not sure how the out come would be, but seeing how I am. I'll risk it just because I need to rant or I'll find myself crying all over again.

When I was tweleve, or rather during sixth grade, I didn't notice the reason of my parents fought all the time. The reason being: My dad loves money (but doesn't want to work.) and my mom loves her family (and doesn't mind the work, because she is a hard-worker.)

Well, my dad left his job for a possible number of reasons, which is the real one--I'll figure it out. My mom tried to move forward--I remember her getting involved with baking classes and floral designing classes. She got me into an art class that I looked forward, even though I complained that I didn't want to go. xD

Over time, we had to move out of the apartment one summer and I thought we were moving somewhere else. I got to visit mt relatives in Cali with my sister. During this time, my dad had left for New Jersey and found himself another job.

Once 9/11 happened, we went back to Florida. When I got back, I realized I didn't really have any friends, since everyone thought I was weird and made fun of me. I ended up living in a motel with my mom and sister after finding out my dad was involved with another woman. This woman sent threating phone calls and even called the police on my mom. I remember confronting that woman and insulting her. She cried, my dad got angry and slapped me. He practically broke my glasses that day. I forgave him, though.

At some point, my sister and I never talked with our dad again. Until one day my mom and my sister confronted him out of the blue--this being over six months. We moved to New Jersey and tried to restart anew.

After living here, in the New Jersey for seven to eight years, I've seen a lot of things. I've met people and most I haven't seen after my first year of college. Anyway, this year, my dad was late on the rent and the landlord decides to evict him. After my dad had asked him if he could give him more time and agreed to pay the late fee.

Thus, I find myself now sleeping in a van with my mom, my sister staying at a friend's house as we look for a new place to live, trying to get help from the Department of Temporary Assistance, and trying to keep sane while looking for a job.

Today, I forgot I was supposed to pick up my sister after taking a shower at the college locker rooms. My dad claims she was complaining and called me a liar. (My dad has been twisiting people's words ever since this problem happened. Me, totally forgetting this.) On the way to get my sister, I thought, "Oh I can try and get an application from this place since I wont be passing by it until tomorrow."

My dad decided to schedule an appointment with a woman who is involved with Housing the same day. I tell him that if it bothers him so much to go today, then schedule it next week. He starts spewing crap and says he should just see the woman in January. After getting my sister, both she and my dad start to say that I'm turning out to like mom. Honestly, I believe I'm both my parents, unforunately. I can see it every time I look at my eyes in the mirror. That's the side of me that I dislike the most.

I guess at the this point, I get furious and forget about everything. I find myself getting upset and walking to the local library. During the walk, my dad tells me to get in the car and he's wasting his time. He repeats it and keeps following me after a good twenty minutes.

All that is running in my head is the things he said to me out of spite and the fact that I'm a waste of time. So, I wonder if he ever wanted me in the first place. Or rather a family. Heck, I'm only twenty and I'm already tired of just breathing and in fact, it's due to the stress. (I guess I'm going to end up spilling the jar of beans here, aren't I?) My fear--actually my obstacle is I want to better than what people claim that I am. Not out of competition nor out of perfection, but because I need to try and prove to myself that I am better than a piece of crap on the sidewalk.

I have, in fact, hit depression harder than I have ever hit the point before. Sometimes, I can't remember how good food tastes, unless it's something I'm tasting for the first time. Other times, I can't seem to care if I look nice or not, but I force myself to do so because I deserve to spoil myself in some way.

Anyway, I hope I didn't make anyone cry over my happenings in life at the moment. I should go since the library is closing. I'll edit later when I get the chance. Take care. ^^

Blame the Radio.

These past few weeks, I've been grateful of the radio I have in the car, but at the same time. . . irritated. Lol. Since I am a huge fan of older artists and songs, I can't help but to love them endlessly. At the same time, I enjoy hearing some of the new songs that pop up here and there.

These are very well over played, some over others. Meanwhile, a couple tracks from the 90s and early 2000. Yay for clubs. :P

Sonique It Feels so Good

Sonique's It Feels so Good, now this I remember since sixth grade. Around that time I was playing with the radio, I ended up finding myself a trance/dance-based station bac in Florida. Most of the songs were fun to hear, they always seemed to cause me to dream more than usual. Hehe. xD I love Sonique's voice, it may seem typical in most of the song, but when she deepens it--it's strange but so interesting~

Kim Sozzi - Feel Your Love

Kim Sozzi's Feel Your Love, I heard this while driving back and forth on 80 this month. I haven't read much on thisartist, yet this song of hers did attract me--not the lyrics, but how she projected it. She reminded me of Eri Nobuchika at some point, then some other artist that I can seem to put my finger on. . . Ah, ATB. Lol. I thought it was him when I first heard it. XD Anyway, I do like the song. It's nice

SEPTEMBER- CRY FOR YOU SUMMER RUSH 2008 VERSION

September's Cry For You--The official video reminds me of Kylie Minogue, just cheesier? Lol. xD The song is catchy, unfortunately. In the end, I like it due to the lyrics, I just hope this artist doesn't have all her songs be catchy. I know it's the way to sell, but come on. It's all about the love of music, not money. X_x

Gackt-Vanilla

Gackt's Vanilla--since I ended up hearing this songagain for the past two days. I can't seem to singing this one when no one's around. >:D Haa, I know he looks like Goku from Dragon Ball Z. Now, the point is I love this song. It maybe not be on the radio or anything, but I love it so. xD Makes me want to dances and sing along all the time. Yay for nostalgic moments. u_u

Stress.

If I could, I'd type up everything that's running around in my mind and in my life. The thing is, I can't seem to keep them still enough to trace them on paper. I blame the distractions.

A lot of things have happened and I'm not sure how to approach most of them, but I do know that I need to get a job as soon as possible. In fact, I'm not even sure if I can go to school next semester--I guess one can say it's just that bad. xD

Otherwise, no matter how horrible it may seem to others' eyes and as much as I cry nearly everyday. I'm trying hard not to let the weight cause me to fall over. Lol.

Well,  I'm in Web Tools at the moment and it's fun. We get to play with Dreamweaver, Photoshop, and Flash. Dreamweaver seems a little overwhelming, since I'm a hardcoder, but it helps in some ways--like linking. xD Right now, we're starting Photoshop, so I hope to be learning enough to manage more with it than just brushes and text, along with white balance.

Anyway, I hope everyone's well--better than me, at least. :P Take care~

Voyage

Haa summer's over and classes have begun for me. Dx

I guess a lot of things have happened, things that just catch me off-guard. Oh well.

Anyway, tomorrow is my fourth day out of the first week of classes. I found out my Graphic Design 2 class was cancelled due to lack of enrollment and I feel pretty scared about next semester considering the fact that I need to scratch off classes from my requirement list fast if I was to graduate this spring. Yay for stress. xD

On other things, life is pretty good just trying to get used to living in a hotel, since we're looking for a new apartment. Though, I enjoy the benefit of getting breakfast in the morning for free~ Lol.

Also, I've decided to enter the RedBana Contest regarding the game, Audition Online. The contest consists of entering a drawing/graphic of an outfit that will be made for the game. Now, the outfit that wins first place gets to be part of the game and the designer gets $50 in Bana Cash. I want to hit for first, but I wouldn't mind getting second or third, either. I'll try my best--I feel pretty competitive. XD

I do plan to post my ideas/final drafts up as soon as I've refined them enough to show them off~! They just tend to keep changing whenever I open my sketchbook after a day or two. I only hope to stop changing them before the 10th, since the last day for submissions are the 12th and the judging starts. @_@

Starting

Today.

Everything on this blog will go on Friends/Neighbors Only.
Some people need to move on with their l i v e s.
Some people need to k e e p  a w a y  from my thoughts.

Today.

I'm starting.

Starting

Today.

Everything on this blog will go on Friends/Neighbors Only.
Some people need to move on with their l i v e s.
Some people need to k e e p  a w a y  from my thoughts.

Today.

I'm starting.